Everyone who knows me personally or follows my work knows that I draw better than some, and that I have never studied art, or anything for that matter, yup I am not a graduate. Til now my hard work has been paying off, I got recognized by my work on various platforms and I draw for a living. All that I have is my skill and I like to believe that skill is everything and a piece of paper or some title means nothing if you don’t have skill. People supported that belief of mine but I have to admit that I feel empty and incomplete, due to reasons I couldn’t study and cant still, I had made peace with this shortcoming of mine, but it still bothers me when some people look at me in a way that makes me feel I am beneath them, that I fall in the category of labour. I will always be working for people better qualified, NOT skilled, yes qualified.
Recently I had some kickass opportunities because of my skill, I was headhunted, not shortlisted by these firms. They approached me with respect as if I am some industry veteran, a senior person. These were reputed firms so it meant something, my interviews were underway and my educational background was brought up, and then their faces changed. I was once again a maggot. I understand if its a firm’s policy to hire people with proper qualifications, but, I also think its unfair.
When I was 19 or maybe less and I had started working at that time, I had that mentality, I would never call myself an artist because I dont have a degree in arts, it doesnt matter how good I was/am I would just not call myself an artist and then my seniors knocked senses in me, told me I am better than a lot of professionals and I will be even good. Well I like to think I am good now, but, with these incidents, behaviours, I still am not sure if I should call myself an artist.
I have hit that wall again. I always thought its just a hurdle that I will overcome, but no, I think its a wall. I will always be kept here by people who live on the otherside and everytime I make efforts to cross this, I will be pushed back to my place.
I am word vomiting and I should stop. but yeah I think this is unfair.
I was talking to this really amazing/cool friend of mine and superheroes came up in the conversation, she said she was not into all that when she was a kid never, but as she grew up, now she is almost obsessed with them. When I was a kid I was all about superheroes, I still am but its different now, they were my heroes my idols but as I grew up drawing and understanding them, I realized something interesting something heart warming for me. The people who wrote these characters who designed them, they are the real heroes, sure these things may have started off for younger audience but they came from mature minds, and these characters these heroes they are based on real ideas. The real “what if”s or “man i wish”s these artists, they live through their creations, they are not just business its a part of them. They say that when you are in love, all the stupid love songs they start making sense, which means that the writers of these songs know these feelings, they express those feelings through their songs and they then connect to people. Same is with the people who have drawn these super heroes. I started getting fascinated about these people more, how they looked at life, how they wish it to be, and how a lot of these wonderful ideas never materialized and we never got to know of them.
I also realized how unfair it is to critique or judge these people and their creations. we label their feelings their ideas into things, without understanding the actual essence of these ideas. I love artists, any sort of them, writers , musicians, fine artists, crafters etc. these people express themselves through their art, these are real emotions I believe.
My heroes are more real for me now more than ever. I can only wish to be counted among such people someday.
I like to call myself a gamer, I actually take pride in that. I have grown up playing video games on various platforms, when I was a kid I had various Atari console models, then came Nintendo with the immortal Nes and I remember flunking in almost everything in life. Of course later on I also invested a good part of my life in Sega mega drive, sony playstation and the list goes on.
There was this thing about new consoles that use to excite me as a gamer, new tech. New and better hardware means better graphics and a promise of innovation. From chunky pixels getting blown, to actual life like characters on screen, things evolved and kept on getting better.
I don’t really think now I am a gamer, why? because I am not really excited about the new tech, and why is that? well back in the days, when the hardware was limited the developers knew that they can’t make life like experiences so they invested in ideas. Ideas that did not require real life physics or visuals but things that look fun and interesting to eyes. A great example for this is Pacman. that’s right that stupid pizza like yellow thing that ran around a maze eating dots while dodging the ghosts. We spent quite sometime in the arcades challenging scores and survival time in that game and that was fun, later on Pacman came in 3D with a 3D maze, and of course it sounds interesting and intriguing but pretty graphics does not mean excellent game. such a list of games goes on, like for example, ever since gaming hardware evolved games are all about shiny cars and ultra realistic guns. last 6 years have been spam years for me in that regard. And the coming years are no good news for people like me either. SO evolution kind of acted as devolution. Because I think ideas are dead, and guns, gore and cars took its place. There was a time games use to act like a second life for us gamers but its now something else.
But this does not mean there havent been good games in recent years, no, there have been games that now sit in my life’s best games ever. Uncharted series, God of War series, Mass Effect, Elder Scrolls, that list too goes on but the numbers are not big. the names are just not too many sadly.
Thankfully the elite developers of this industry have started from scratch once again, calling themselves Indie game developers. These games don’t really rely on heavy hardware instead they are all about little ideas. Ideas like a kid having a bad dream and you have to guide him through it, or plants versus zombies and other funny and funky ideas. These games are what keeps people like me going. I wanted to be a game designer when I was a kid, Spent a decade working to be one, and now where the industry stands I don’t think I wannabe that anymore, I want to be an indie game designer maybe yes. Lets just hope the future of gaming proves me wrong.
There are a lot of things … words I realized we use lightly without knowing their true meaning or purpose. Interestingly enough if we sit and think about the meaning of such words we won’t find any proper meaning … words like beauty. Working at advertisement agencies the word beauty is often used… thrown at women who look good, skinny women or revealing women or … well the meaning is dictated to the people. Objectified and generalized. I am an artist and often I am told to draw beautiful women. Now by saying “beautiful” they think that they have conveyed their message thinking that beauty is of course a woman with skinny figure yet bulky in places. It’s not. We all use the word for places or things and many other things. Beauty is being dictated now.
When I first started drawing, I thought that a good artwork is all about fine detail and light and shadows and what not, its true, when we see an ultra realistic artwork we are awe-ed but then as I got better I realized that there is more to it than that. We sometimes see few lines from an experienced artist and we can see every single thing he or she wants us to see in his work, a few strokes from such a person is enough for an experience. I realized it’s not just the drawing, the visual, artists create experience, and that is why art is not limited to a medium, such is the case with beauty. when I started understanding the essence of creating these experiences, I became less productive because I wanted to purpose to draw something and not just do what I have always been doing. I searched for that purpose in literature and then I found beauty in words. I believe beauty is in words, language, in speech and accents. The innocent speech of a child, a sentence of few words holding depth and experience of generations of an old wise person. everyone and everything around me became beautiful and I started to enjoy life more by just the simplest things around me. I think I found my meaning of Beauty, and I know I don’t just throw such a word around without meaning it or understanding it.
I met a friend, we were walking around and her friend joined us, me and her friend got along quite well, considering how awkward I am around new people I was very comfortable with him. After a while he asked me what I do and all so I showed him my drawings and we talked about stuff, it was then he said “woah I didnt know I was with a celebrity man” we laughed it off.
I realised things, it is very rare we give others a chance, I mean, people do things, then others give these people attention for what they do, making assumptions about their personalities just because a bunch of people know them for what they do. I started hating my work when I saw the reaction of people around me. stories. some assumed I am a smug celeb, some assumed I am something else, never knowing me as a person, all assuming, judging me because a bunch of people know me for something a lot of people can do better. I loved how this dude and I just sat and talked about our music and games and movies walked around the 3 of us had fun. I enjoyed it because he never knew me before. Social media, where it helped me, it has a strong impact on my emotional side. I miss people talking to me not because of my work but “hey he’s a nice guy have you ever met him” thing.
I am not saying I assume myself to be someone big. not yet. but how people have made it difficult for me or other people like me, its kinda sad.
Imagine finding all the sinners and animals in heaven and all the do gooders in hell, Imagine then being told, that those animals were the ones who were true to themselves, and the ones in hell are those who denied their reality and lied to themselves and ended in that lie. Now question right and wrong. And question those who decides right and wrong, question their morality. And question who gave them the right to decide.